I’m not going to get all overly dramatic and say I “lost myself” when my daughter was born. I didn’t, but her birth changed me in an unexpected and profound way. Her infancy wasn’t easy for me. In hindsight I probably had a little more postpartum depression than the regular old “baby blues.” I just didn’t realize it until after the fact. Also, we don’t have any local family, and the few close friends I had made since moving to Texas lived clear on the other side of town. And they didn’t have babies yet. So once my husband went back to work, the days were long. I felt lonely and didn’t have anyone to show me the ropes, so I figured out a lot by doing…because I had to.
So I found myself thrown into this role no reading can prepare you for. Little by little I found my groove, made a mommy friend or two (and not a moment too soon!), and really embraced my new job as stay at home mom.
Now my daughter is 4, and in school (which she LOVES. She gets that from me). This gives me some time in a way I didn’t have before and I keep finding all these little bits of my past self in unexpected places. The more bits and pieces I find, the more I realize I missed them. If I’m being honest, some of these bits and pieces may be turning up as the throes of grief loosen their grip a bit. My mom was sick for about a year before she passed away and being a caretaker when someone you love is dying is both the best and worst situation to find yourself in. Having to explain things like that to a toddler makes it harder for sure.
But one of these bits turned up yesterday. Blink 182 was the halftime show on Monday Night Football this week. Next thing I knew, my toe was wiggling and I was watching them instead of menu planning. I hadn’t listened to blink 182 in years! I started listening to them circa 1997 – more years ago than I care to admit! Today, I found myself remembering my high school self driving around with my best friend as Alexa blasted them in my kitchen. The dog thought I was nuts. Any other mom friends relate? No? Just me? Maybe I am nuts.
When I first joined Fast Laine Fit, it was an excuse to put myself first, which I hadn’t done in quite some time. If you’ve been reading for more than 5 minutes, you know I’ve never been a gym rat. But here, for 30 minutes, a few days a week, I focused on my body instead of my daughter. For me it wasn’t about “losing the baby weight” or anything like that. I was learning moves I didn’t know, focusing on my form and trying to keep up. A lot of days my daughter worked out with me, especially in the beginning when she was younger. She still does if she doesn’t have friends to play with (she has her priorities straight!). But I had other women to help me keep an eye on her, friends for her to play with, and I was able to start being me again, instead of my daughter’s mom.
I’ll forever be thankful for the role Fast Laine Fit has played, and continues to play, in helping me be the best version of myself I can be. It has impacted my take on wellness and the relationships I’ve found encourage me daily. I’m also thankful for the friends I’ve made, the adult conversations we have, and its nice to have lost the baby weight!